Psychological Stages of Healing -
Denial and Blame Psychology

STAGE I - DENIAL I deny that I have a problem. I just drink a few glasses of wine every day to soothe my nerves. I paste a smile on my face and pretend I am not bothered by my spouse, children, boss or parents. My mild depression seems normal and OK.

This stage is often confusing. Am I really in denial of a problem or is my lack of concern caused by the fact that I really don't have a problem? In either case, anger on your part will probably be unsuccessful in getting me to change. For if I am denying a real problem, my denial is already defensive. Anger by you then will often just make me more defensive and less willing to listen to you. If your anger is directed at my non-problem, your anger is just going to seem foolish to me. I am then likely to conclude that you are the one with a problem that needs solving.

STAGE II - BLAME / HELPLESSNESS I deny any fixable problem (i.e., fixable by me). I have a problem but there is nothing I can do about it; because it is all your fault, because I tried once to change it without success, because that is the way life is, because everyone is the same as me, etc. But I do admit I have a problem. This is often the stage of righteousness, judgments and anger that serve to keep me preoccupied with what I believe you should be doing rather than face my own discomfort. I often claim that it is impossible to change my unhappiness and anger until you change. If there is one stage that most represents the USA in the late 1980s and early 1990s, it is this stage. It seems as if each group is placing blame on outsiders for its problems and difficulties, thus dodging individual and collective responsibilities for changing group insiders. We have often convinced ourselves that others need to change before happiness is possible for us. Suppose they never change? Are we then not locking ourselves into perpetual unhappiness? The choice to be "happy" instead of "right" is frequently encountered and often difficult to make. I believe this blaming righteous stage has been useful and necessary, for we have learned that anger and speaking out are OK. But I believe we will be harmed if we remain there much longer. It is also the unhappiest stage of healing.

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More Excerpts This Chapter
   Psychology Healing Stages
   Making Changes
   Psychology Steps
   Overcoming Procrastination Psychology
   Personal Healing Steps
   Changing Others Effectively
   How to Make Changes

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